13.34

I don’t know who you think you are, Magda, I really don’t know. Oh, wait a minute. You are me. 

I understand too many things, my brain can’t process and accept everything. My eyes can’t see the same world. It’s different, darker. My hands can’t touch the same things. My clothes do not adhere to the same body.

You know, when you swim, you don’t feel that you’re wet. Only when you leave the water, you start feeling cold. The wind begins blowing , the cold begins cooling. You feel all of these stimuli.You only need a thick towel. 

For now, I swim. I swim in all the changes. And sometimes I choke on my own words. I know that when I try to say something, when I try to protest - I begin to sink. Because it’s too fucking early. They are waiting, they are whispering. 

Will she live? Or maybe will she give up? 

She’ll die. She’ll die. She’ll die. She IS dying. 

No, I won’t. No I’m not. 

I can’t die. I am too strong, aren’t I? Some force pushes my body to the ground. I feel worms eating my skin. 

I’m starting to suffocate. I can’t breathe. 

But people don’t know. They look at me. They see an ordinary girl. She is sad, but it doesn’t matter. She is 14, she is growing up. 

I want to scream, about my feelings. About the darkness. No one will know, never. Because they don’t want to know. I am alone. I may sing “Hello darkness, my old friend”. It is my fucking enemy. It kills me. I don’t remember when I was happy. 

Oppress me, to see my pain, please. 

I am too quiet. 

I can’t hear myself. I can’t find my voice. Something is bleeding in my mouth. 

Oh, it’s your neglect.